It seems like forever since I have posted anything. Life has been going good and there hasn't been much to say. I did walk in the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer 3 Day walk in October in Dallas. My sweet sister came from Florida to join me in this endeavor. Dave graciously helped me to train for months in advance of the walk. When the day finally came, my family dropped us off at Southfork, we loaded our camping gear on the truck and said goodbye. The tears unexpectedly started flowing. I couldn't believe I was really doing this considering I had just finished all of my treatments just a few months prior. But I felt strong and ready to go. My sister and I were able to walk about 58 of the 60 miles. We slept in hot pink tents, took showers in a truck, and visited the blue porta potties often. We were encouraged to drink a lot of fluids. Enough said. It was the most amazing experience for both my sister and I. We met some wonderful people, heard heart warming stories but my favorite part was all of the people that were cheering us on along the route. They dressed crazy, played music, danced, held signs and were incredibly encouraging. My favorite was two women standing on either side of the side walk, clapping and thanking us for walking. They were both breast cancer survivors. At the end of the walk we realized how many people that walked were actaully survivors because we all had pink shirts on. What was more amazing were all of the people that walked because their lives had been touched by this disease. In all there were about 2,500 walking and 6 million dollars was raised to support breast cancer research. I am convinced they will find a cure with this kind of support. Walking in this event was a great way to celebrate surviving.
My dear friends,
Yesterday I was admitted to day surgery to get my port removed. It was a wonderful time of celebration for Dave and I but I was surprised by the response of the doctors and nurses that celebrated with us. You would think that this simple, routine procedure would have been just another one in a day of out-patient surgeries. I realized that they were genuinely happy for us and they saw this as a milestone in my recovery process. I decided I wanted to keep the port since it has been a part of my life line these past 15 months. It has served me very well throughout all of my infusions and blood work. I have one more infusion treatment of Herceptin and one more echocardiogram and then I can rest for a few months. That is music to my ears. We have a celebration trip planned with friends and we plan to take all of the pink cancer bracelets worn by family and friends and deposit them (we will cut them in half first) into the ocean.
On another note, I decided to join the Breast Cancer 3 Day walk in October. The walk consists of 20 miles per day. I have started to train by walking as much as I can each week. I am limited in how much I can tolerate because the Herceptin drug that is killing my cancer has also done some damage to my heart. But I am determine to go as far as I can. My sweet sister from Florida decided to join me in this walk so I will have a partner in this endeavor. We will sleep in two man tents at the end of each long day and join the throngs of other people at the mess hall and porta potties. Sounds like fun, huh! It will be an honor for me because all of these couple thousand people will be raising $2200 each to help fund breast cancer research. What an honor! Pray for me to continue my training through the blazing hot days of summer. I do have a treadmill but it isn't the same as walking on terrain.
God continues to be faithful,
Joni
Today marks the one year anniversary of my diagnosis of breast cancer. On the one hand it seems like it was just yesterday. I can remember it so clearly. On the other it seems as if this past year as been an eternity. There have been so many ups and downs on my part but God has held me in His strong and unshakable arms. I have learned to trust Him even though everything inside of me was turning upside down. He has taught me what is truly important in this short life and to treasure every moment. His Word has more meaning to me and has comforted and encouraged me even in my darkest times. There have been times when I have been quite mad at God but He never let me go.
Throughout this past year Dave has been my rock, solid and consistent in his support and encouragement. My friends have been my life preservers. Always there with a phone call, visit or note to lead me through each day. My family has been by my side to lift me up once again. What more could I possibly be thankful for.
My one year CAT scan was clear of any signs of cancer. My echocardiogram was OK to continue with the Herceptin. I have five more treatments left and then hopefully I will be done. I am hoping to get my port out sometime in June. I can't say that I will miss this foreign object in my body but it has been wonderful to have during this year and months of treatments and blood drawn. When I get it out I am thinking about keeping it and having it made into a necklace, key chain or bookmark to always remind me of this past year. On the other hand, maybe not.
Once again, I continue to be so thankful for family and true friends. Now I can call myself a cancer survivor. I like the sound of that.
In His Care,
Joni
This weekend I decided it was time to pop the top and go wigless. My hair is still very short but I was ready to get rid of the wig. I spent last week at a conference in Austin and saw a woman who had hair just like mine, short, gray and curly. Sure enough she had finished chemotherapy a few months before me. After seeing her, I decided I could ditch the wig also. With the encouragement of others I ventured out in public, “topless“. My heart raced at first to see how people would respond. It wasn't too bad. There are always people who don't know how to respond to something they don't understand. I decided if I was going to go all natural that I needed a little trim, and I do mean little. The beautician trimmed the unruly curls and gave me a boy cut and charged me $10. What a deal! There is something positive in every situation.
Thanks to all of our friends for their unending encouragement, laughter and support. I will be forever grateful to our God who gave us friends like you. May God richly bless you.
Joni
I am now finished with radiation and it is amazing that the side effects were minimal. A little soreness, dryness and redness, but very tolerable. I had the same technician, Laurie, for most of the treatments. On the last day of treatments I could feel my emotions rising. I should have been elated knowing I wouldn't need to make the drive to Presbyterian every day, put on a robe and lay still on a table while the machine did its magic. Instead, as the machine was finishing I began to cry. I don't know if it was sadness or joy...just lots of tears. Laurie gave me a big hug and a certification of completion and I was on my way. I thanked her for taking such good care of me and being a vital part in my fight against cancer. There have been so many wonderful nurses, technicians and doctors that I am so very thankful for. They always greet me with a smile and a cheerful attitude that is contagious. Maybe my tears were in part because I will miss seeing Laurie's cheerful face.
My emotions have taken control of my life lately. The tears flow very freely and at times all day. Dave jokes that I have voice activated tears because it just takes him saying one little thing and then the emotions rise and the tears flow. I have been trying to analyze this phase in my journey. It seems I should have gone through crying phase nine months ago when I started treatments. I think throughout the past nine months I have been in a crisis mode where I needed to focus on the task at hand. It was necessary to keep track of all the various doctor's appointments, scheduling treatments around my work schedule and basically just trying to hold myself together to get through each phase of treatments. Now that the majority of the treatments are over and I have had time to reflect on the past months it is overwhelming to me what Dave and I have gone through. I think the fact I have cancer is sinking in deeper and so far I am considerering myself a survivor of this dreaded disease.
Pray for Dave as I go through this weepy stage.
It amazes me how a simple thing like eyebrows can be so exciting. My eyebrows are coming back along with eyelashes and about a half inch of hair on my head. But it is the eyebrows that excite me the most.
I have five more days of radiation and I will be done with the majority of my treatments for this dreaded disease. I will continue to have an infusion of the Herceptin every three weeks until June but the side effects are minimal. It has been a long and difficult journey but God has so richly blessed me and provided for all of my needs and then some. My energy is beginning to return and it feels so good not to be tired all of the time. The numbness in my fingers and toes is still there but getting better.
I love this time of year and I am thankful I can help with the decorating and festivities that go along with the season even though it is toned down from past Christmases. I am studying Romans in my Bible study. In Romans 5:3-5 there is a progression from tribulation to perseverance to proven character to hope. I know I have experienced tribulation and perseverance through the operations and grueling treatments. My prayer is that all of this has also produced proven character for the Lord and I know He has given me hope. There is joy in tribulation in that it proves that God is faithful and He will never leave me.
I continue to covet your prayers as my emotions still take over from time to time and I need to be reminded that God is in control even when I am not. One of the side effects of the Herceptin is that it can cause heart damage. Please pray that my heart will stay strong, no damage, so that I can complete the full regimen of the Herceptin.
The Four Freshmen recorded a song in 1956 that was later covered by the Beach Boys. The song was called “Graduation Day” and the lyrics went something like this…actually they went exactly like this.
There's a time for joy
A time for tears
A time we’ll treasure through the years
We'll remember always Graduation day
That song came to mind as I remembered a day with far more impact for me than graduation day. That day was March 20, 2006.
There's a time for joy
A time for tears
A time when we were numb with fears
We’ll remember always Diagnosis Day.
Every cancer patient will remember always that dreaded diagnosis day. I will never forget that call from my wife that her tests were positive for breast cancer. Now we are nearly eight months down the road. Joni completed her chemotherapy 10 days ago. We are in a blessed recess between treatments. Up next is a six week regimen of radiation. A lot has happened since Diagnosis Day. It has not been easy for Joni. But we have so much to be grateful for as we face the rest of the treatment journey and beyond.
We are grateful for…
- Hope. Joni’s diagnosis is good but our ultimate hope is in God.
- Peace. While we recognize that the prognosis is good we have peace because we believe in a God who is sovereign. No matter what happens we are confident in Him.
- Friends. So many people have shown their love and concern. It helps.
- The Body of Christ. We have people praying that we don’t even know. That is amazing, touching, and encouraging.
- One another. We are partners in this journey. And while I don’t pretend to share even a small percentage of what Joni has endured we have traveled this path together.
- New perspective. We have gained a new insight into what matters in this journey.
- Our sons. We are blessed with wonderful sons and daughter-in-laws.
- Our family. From Florida to Ohio and points beyond we have prayerful and loving support.
- Joy. Even in the storm there is joy.
Thank you for your unrelenting prayers for Joni (and for me). We have sensed those prayers and the comfort of the Holy Spirit. Diagnosis Day seems like a long, long time ago. We are marching forward to Joni’s graduation day from treatment (sometime next summer). And we look forward to Joni’s advanced degree (masters of survival) five years from now in March of 2011. Both of those days will be a time for great joy.
Thank you again for praying and caring. And thanks in advance for your prayers as we begin stage 2 of the treatment triathlon. No matter what happens we have had some important truths reinforced.
His grace is sufficient. His power is made perfect in our weakness. God is good no matter what diagnosis life dispenses.
In athletic competition one of the most grueling disciplines is the iron man triathlon. These amazing people run a marathon, ride a bicycle over 110 miles, and swim about 2 and one-half miles all in one ridiculous day. I have a bewildered respect for these athletes. But I have even more respect for the hundreds of thousands of men and women who are iron men and women in the race to defeat cancer.
For Joni the first and most grueling (we pray) of the cancer triathlon has been the chemo marathon. We have been plodding through this course for over five months. Now we are down to only 3 weeks left. It has been a very difficult journey. But we are grateful.
- Grateful that the end of this part of the race is nearing an end.
- Grateful that we will have a chance to reach this finish line. Not all get that opportunity.
- Grateful for friends, family, co-workers and complete strangers who have daily lifted Joni's spiritual, emotional, and physical health before the throne of grace.
- Grateful for what we have learned about ourselves and our God through this journey.
- Grateful that we can walk together through this trial. How tough it must be for those who must go it alone.
I could go on and on. We are blessed in the midst of the storm. Please pray for Joni's strength and energy as we finish the chemotherapy. She is tired of being tired. But she knows that is temporary and she soldiers on. Joni is incredible. I have incredible respect for iron man triathletes. But with all due respect to the triathletes...you got nothin' on my bride.
Yesterday was chemo day and it went as expected. We now have four weeks of chemotherapy left and then it is on to the radiation. Continue to pray for Joni's energy. It is easy to grow weary and discouraged because the journey is long.
Thanks for your love and prayer.
For those who are new visitors I have been posting some earlier blogs about the cancer journey. Here is one I wrote after Joni's first chemo day five months ago.
Therapy has always been a word that generates a good response. Massage therapy and aromatherapy have a nice, relaxing connotation. But I am retiring therapy from my lexicon of positive words after experiencing a round of chemotherapy this past weekend with my wife. Joni and I embarked on the first mile of our marathon stagger to survival. It is hardly a race.
Cancer, we are learning, is a lot of hanging around hospitals, doctors, and nurses. The old cliche of “hurry up and wait” is the motto for anyone going through the monotony of long term treatment. When Joni was diagnosed with breast cancer in March the reality of that ugly word hit hard. But the reality of the reality settled over us Friday as I watched toxic chemicals drip, drip, drip into my beloved’s bloodstream. An Oklahoma newspaper recently ran a story on the weird logic of using poison for good.
"You're putting poison into the system to kill those bad cells," said Andrea Mosteller, a registered nurse who works in the Muskogee Regional Cancer Center. "It takes something that strong to do it." Chemotherapy, Dr. Ravikumar Vasireddy explains, is a chemical that kills "fast-growing things," terming it "cytotoxic," or poisonous to cells. Cancer cells grow rapidly, making chemotherapy an ideal treatment for some types of cancer.
Some people claim to have no faith but you have to have a lot of faith in your doctors to allow them to hook up chemicals that are intended to kill cells, and those drugs can’t discriminate between good and bad cells. If the cell is fast growing it is their mission to hunt down and kill it. So the cells of the hair follicles are casualties alongside, prayerfully, the cancer cells. One of the first chemotherapy drugs was actually a derivative of the fearsome mustard gas used during World War I. Another drug Joni is taking is also used in rat poison. The drug is a both a rodenticide and a medical treatment. Not exactly a Certs commercial…”its a breath mint and a candy mint.”
I sat at the side of my bride of almost thirty years and watched toxins drip into her bloodstream. These drugs can kill you or cure you. Joni would likely tell you after round one that the cure feels like it is killing you at times. I watched the drip of these toxins that we have chosen to allow with the belief that they will kill any dangerous, fast growing cancer cells before they can wreak havoc elsewhere in her body.
I couldn’t help but think how we Christians too often allow the toxins of sin to drip into our spirit and poison our joy, our relationships, and our influence for the Lord. The late author Lewis Smedes wrote powerfully about forgiveness. He often spoke of how only forgiveness can "release us from the grip of our history." We cannot change an abusive upbringing. We cannot alter dysfunctional theological training that denied grace. We cannot simply deny the hurts that have been visited upon us and be spiritually free. Only forgiveness can release us from the grip of these real and historical events.”
So everytime you choose not to forgive just picture that drip, drip, drip of spiritual poison coarsing through your spiritual veins. Everytime you choose bitterness over joy listen for the quiet drip, drip, drip of toxicity racing to your heart.
We did not choose cancer. But we have chosen to accept that God is in control and He will somehow use our journey through this valley for His glory. We have chosen to trust the doctors who drip toxins into the body of my wife. I hope that you will not choose to let the toxins of bitterness, lack of forgiveness, pride, jealousy, and lust drip into your soul. Paul recognized the effect that these toxins have on our walk with Jesus.
And do not bring sorrow to God's Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he is the one who has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of malicious behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Eph 4 NLT
The poison of bitterness, rage, harsh words, and slander target the growing cells of the fruit of the Spirit. You can choose to cut off those toxins before they do their ugly work. And I pray that you will.
Yesterday we knocked off number seven of the twelve chemo treatments in this second half of the chemo journey. Joni continues to do well and we are grateful for your prayers. I went back and re-read a post I made the day before Joni began her first three months of chemo. I am posting it again with a positive report on both my bride and my God. Both have proved faithful. God has been faithful to her and Joni has remained faithful to Him. Here is that post written right before we started chemotherapy.
Regular readers of these humble ramblings know one thing for sure. My brain is not wired according to factory specs. So it was no surprise to me that some synapses randomly crossed and I couldn’t get a gospel song out of my mind that I had not heard in, oh, forty years. That is the curse of a mind that can’t remember a security ATM pin number but knows every word to the Mr. Ed theme song.
I suppose the trigger for digging this gospel tune out of my musty brain storage unit was thinking about the journey that Joni and I begin in earnest this Friday. Somehow that brought to mind a gospel song that was a favorite in my house growing up. I had a rather unusual spiritual environment as a youngster. My parents were not regular church goers but they loved southern gospel music. We would go to concerts in the big city of Columbus, Ohio featuring groups like the Blackwood Brothers, the Stamps, the Speer Family, the Happy Goodmans, and others. I had forgotten that little slice of family history until this song perniciously implanted in my brain. The song was called “I wouldn’t take nothin’ for my journey now” and I can still remember the lyrics.
Well, I started out travelin' for the Lord many years ago,
I've had a lot of heartache, I've met a lot of grief and woe.
But when I would stumble, then I would humble down,
And there I would say I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now.
Well, I wouldn't take nothin' for my journey now,
Gotta make it to heaven somehow,
Though the Devil tempt me & he tries to turn me around,
He's offered everything that's got a name,
All the wealth I want & the worldly fame,
If I could, still I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now.
There's nothing in the world that'll ever take the place of God's love.
Silver & gold couldn't buy a mighty touch from above.
When my soul needs healin' I begin to feelin' His power,
I can say thank the Lord, I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now.
If I could, still I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now
I write this one day before Joni begins chemotherapy for her breast cancer. We have talked about the journey ahead. We know it will be difficult. When we first found out about her cancer I quoted John Piper’s article called “Don’t Waste Your Cancer”. Here is an excerpt from that blog.
“It will not do to say that God only uses our cancer but does not design it. What God permits, he permits for a reason. And that reason is his design. If God foresees molecular developments becoming cancer, he can stop it or not. If he does not, he has a purpose. Since he is infinitely wise, it is right to call this purpose a design. Satan is real and causes many pleasures and pains. But he is not ultimate.”
We believe there is a reason for this journey we are on. We are praying that He will be glorified through this process. I would be less than honest if I said there is never a time when I wish the journey was easier or could be altered. I would have chosen to pass on the heartache, grief, and woe the song writer described above. There was a time when the wealth and fame were at the top rungs of my ladder of desire. But those heartaches, the grief, and the realization about what matters have molded me into who I am today. My journey toward being more like Jesus has a long way to go. Joni and I are ready for the next part of our journey together. We are, to be honest, a little frightened as we prepare to battle the giant. But we are steadfast in one thing. We wouldn’t take nothin’ for our journey now. We are going to make it somehow. And that somehow will involve the love of His people and a mighty touch from above…
Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls.Matt 11 NLT
Post script: We are making it. We are grateful for what the journey has taught us. And we are grateful for each one of you who cares so much about us. Our fear is growing smaller as we see Him moving ahead of us and with us. God is good. All the time. Even in the bad times.